Sunday, January 22, 2012

Brownies

The ridiculousness of a fat guy saying the thought of brownies brought him to tears isn’t lost on me.

But tonight, after I dropped Kate off at her Sunday night program, I thought about what we should have for dinner later. Brownies sounded good for desert. I thought about my memories of my mom making brownies; especially how the house smelled while she baked them. We – my mom and dad, and later, little brother – always enjoyed that special treat as a family; all together. It’s a special treat that my family now – my wife and daughter – enjoy all together, too. We don’t make them often, but it’s special when we do.

I thought about my daughter coming home to the smell of brownies. I thought of the joy she would feel when she ate one. Brownies are a BIG deal to little kids, don’t forget.

And damn if I didn’t start getting a little choked up.

Choked up at the thought of her enjoyment. Choked up at the thought of how wonderful it would be to return to a state of innocence where brownies were one of life’s biggest thrills. Choked up at the hope that someday Kate will fondly remember eating brownies with her mom and dad. Choked up at the hope that eating a delicious warm brownie with her mommy and daddy will make her feel happy and comfortable and safe. Like everything is right.

I know it won’t always be that way. Someday brownies won’t be an ultimate thrill. Someday it will take much more than brownies for the world to feel right. More accurately probably, the world just simply won’t feel right and brownies won’t make a dent in that feeling, either way.

As many of you know, there’s been a lot on the ol’ Miff mind lately. I’m questioning so many things in life. I’m in a state of transition in many areas. Things are different. Exciting. Scary. Uncertainty abounds.

But no matter what I may question or doubt from day to day, as I’ve said before, there is love. There are special moments. The world may not make sense to me right now. It may be scary.

But my daughter and I enjoyed brownies tonight. And even though it won’t be this way for long…for tonight, brownies were enough to bring her joy. We were all together. The house smelled yummy and the brownies tasted great.

There are so many things that we can’t be certain about. But I’m certain that my daughter is real. And I’m certain that brownies are real. And as crazy and scary and out of control as the rest of the world may seem, our lives are full of little things like that. Tiny things, even. But real things. And those are the things that make everything worth whatever it is we’re going through.

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